


What Did I Ever Know About You Anyways?

by jace_1111



Category: Assassination Classroom
Genre: Character Development, Communication, Eventual relationship, Happy Ending, M/M, abused nagisa, actual functioning relationship, karma will respect Nagisa's gender identity, last chapter will probably have smut, lots of fluff, mutual respect, neglected karma, slight angst, takes place roughly 3 years after canon ending, they both are traumatized tbh, they're in love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-15 19:20:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29319273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jace_1111/pseuds/jace_1111
Summary: Ever since class 3-E’s battle to decide whether or not to kill Kuro-sensei, Karma hasn't been able to get Nagisa out of his head, and it’s driving him crazy.-Karma confesses to Nagisa on his 17th birthday, and not wanting to put him on the spot, gives him as much time as he needs to answer.
Relationships: Akabane Karma/Shiota Nagisa
Comments: 19
Kudos: 110





	1. Karma's Feelings

**Author's Note:**

> I just finished Assassination Classroom the other day, and all I can think about is Karmagisa. There's so much to unlock there. They really have a crazy dynamic. I think they're genuinely suited to each other, but given that they're literal middle schoolers in canon, I think there's still a few years before a relationship between them should happen. They need time to sort out their own stuff and do some self work. So this fic is me kinda writing how I think things would go between them in the future as they realize their feelings for each other.

Ever since class 3-E’s battle to decide whether or not to kill Kuro-sensei, Karma hasn't been able to get Nagisa out of his head, and it’s driving him crazy.

His head is constantly filled with thoughts of Nagisa. Every time Karma discovers a new side of him, he loses it. His very existence is captivating, in this indescribable way. When he’s emotional his eyes change from inviting to  _ deadly.  _ They glow and it’s unreal, he can’t look away - can’t tear himself away from Nagisa’s eyes.

When Nagisa got him in that choke hold, his voice was louder than Karma had ever heard him raise it. Nagisa has always been soft spoken - that’s just the kind of person he is. Hearing him then had felt like hearing him for the first time.

Once he’d admitted defeat, even though they were covered in bruises, Nagisa’s smile still radiated. It was magnetic, and for the first time, Karma realized he might actually be  _ attracted _ to him. Then Nagisa said his name without honorifics, and it left him feeling like someone had punched him in the gut. Karma actually felt  _ guilty  _ after a fight - and that was downright terrifying. 

He knew that they never would’ve been able to talk things out prior to that moment, and that Nagisa was just as invested in the fight as he was, but some part of him still regretted it. Even though they had been friends on and off for years prior, it felt like for the first time, they were on equal footing.

That being said, he tried to ignore the feelings twisting his stomach into knots. Maybe he was just confused, maybe being so close to someone for the first time had him mixed up between what’s romantic vs what’s platonic - but no. On a surface level, he considered Nagisa his closest friend and he wanted to watch over him as they went on with their lives. On a deeper level that Karma himself barely even dared to acknowledge, he wanted - no, he  _ needed _ to know every part of Nagisa. Better than anyone else did. He had to be with him. He wanted something mutual, and exclusive. 

Even if he acknowledges that wish, at the end of the day he's not the kind of person to try to make a wish like that a reality. A  _ wish.  _ That’s all it was. 

He’d come to recognize that a part of him had always yearned for Nagisa. He'd watch over Nagisa’s romantic life from the sidelines. Whoever Nagisa ends up with, if anyone, he’ll stay at his side as a friend. That’s the kind of person he is. 

Besides, Karma’s view on relationships had always been negative. Committing to someone else brings in all kinds of complications. Karma tends to stray away from genuine communication. He's not good with feelings. He never has been. He can ease his way through street fights and tests, but when it comes to human emotions… It’s not like his parents were present enough to teach him how to communicate in the first place. Trying to maintain a long term platonic relationship with Nagisa would have to be enough. They would keep on like this, forever. 

So as their first year of highschool flew by, he continued on as if everything was normal. He and Nagisa still hung out often outside of school and on weekends, despite attending separate high schools. They never ran out of topics, or couldn’t decide what to do. When they were with each other, there was never a dull moment. It was tougher to stay in touch, since they had to put in extra effort, but it was manageable. 

Karma felt if they kept things up, his feelings would fade. They didn’t. 

If anything, they grew  _ stronger _ . 

In the summer break before their second year, they were spending time together every week. 

Karma was done for. He found himself holding back from doing or saying questionable things far more often when he was around Nagisa. Seriously, how did he get involved with something so cliche? Wasn’t this kind of thing only supposed to happen in books or movies?

When they’re together, it’s like they’re in sync. Conversations flow, never becoming boring or awkward. They both feel confident in their own roles. He hates to admit it, but losing that now would sting. A lot. That’s probably the very reason they tiptoed around each other in middle school - and why Karma eventually put distance between them. If they got too close, it would hurt all the more when things ended. 

He can’t stand the thought of his feelings to endanger the stable rhythm they’ve fallen into - but that much is wishful thinking at this point. 

By the time they rolled into second year, he couldn’t be content thinking of himself as just a friend anymore. These feelings that he has for Nagisa... they're dangerously real. Karma’s been forcing himself during their interactions these days. If he doesn't watch it, he'll make a mistake. A comment here or there, something that's barely walking the line between platonic and romantic. A brief touch, a look, Karma's already slipped up too many times. 

Nagisa's starting to notice something’s amiss. If only he could just go on ignoring these feelings

But they were eating him alive.

What is he even supposed to do, or say, to get his affection across? First of all, Nagisa is completely oblivious when it comes to any form of romance. When Kaede gave Nagisa chocolates on Valentine’s day, he’d watched from the window, ignoring the bitter taste in his mouth. Of course, he knew nothing would come of it - and he was right. Nagisa assumed they were a formality because he’d saved her life, and went on thinking nothing of it. 

From that, Karma learned his approach had to be blunt. Dropping hints or beating around the bush would do nothing. Usually that would be no problem for him, but when it came to matters of his true emotions, communication was far from easy.

Karma had the feeling that this whole confession was doomed.

Nagisa definitely hasn’t ever considered whether or not he has feelings for Karma. Even on the off chance he did realize he feels the same, being put on the spot like that out of nowhere will freak him out beyond his ability to process what’s going on. Karma can just imagine it - Nagisa would fumble for words until eventually apologizing because he’s unable to give an answer. Then their friendship ends up at a complete halt until Nagisa figures out his own feelings. 

He wants to avoid that situation. It sounds like a pain, and Nagisa’s an absolute pushover, so even if he was uncomfortable with the dynamic between them he’d force himself to try to keep things normal. The pressure of this situation all came down onto his shoulders. 

Whether their relationship sinks or swims will all come down to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope that chapter wasn't too boring since it was pretty much entirely just Karma rambling about Nagisa. Next chapter will be much more interesting, plus we'll switch between Karma and Nagisa's povs!


	2. Confession Time

Karma shoved his hands into his jacket pockets, leaning back on his heels as he peered up into the clear evening sky. Rainy season had just ended, the temperature had risen, and it was more humid than ever in Tokyo. They were a few weeks away from beginning their second year of highschool. All throughout their first year, his feelings for Nagisa had been unrelenting. Constantly nagging in the back of his mind, waiting for him to trip up and do something to give them away. He can’t take his nerves constantly being on edge. He knows Nagisa's caught on to something, but there's no way he's realized exactly _what_ yet. And so Karma has to put an end to all of this.

He's got to gather up his courage and tell Nagisa.

If he's going to confess, he figures it’s got to count. After all, he'd been choking on his own feelings for all this time - and Nagisa’s _still_ so oblivious. He didn’t just decide out of nowhere to tell Nagisa his feelings. Rather as time went on, he found that the longer he hid them, the worse the situation became. Lately he’d become desperate to get them off his chest. It was all so real - and it had been driving Karma up a wall.

So what better a time to confess than the day before Nagisa's birthday? _Yeah right._

Rather, he'd ran out of time stalling and needed to get his feelings out - now. He has a game plan. A way to ensure that at the very least, things don't end in a standstill. After contemplating the unsubstantial information he has about Nagisa’s stance on romance and thinking for hours about how to make sure this doesn't ruin everything, he'd finally come to a solution… of sorts. It wasn't a long term solution, but it would prevent the worst case scenario. It would keep things between them moving forward, rather than halting their relationship.

Still, Karma sometimes wonders how things even evolved to this point. Of course, he knows _how_ , it just feels like it all happened so fast.

_Not like that matters now._

He's been braving this storm for too long to remain someone who watches from a distance. All he's been able to think of is Nagisa... this whole time. Memories of Nagisa would come up at the most inconvenient moments, as if they were a welcomed guest. If he waits any longer to confess, he's going to lose his sanity. He knows how selfish it is, he knows Nagisa belongs to no one - but if he could return his feelings, even slightly… He can’t give up before he knows if there’s a reality where that could happen. Thus, he's decided to see this through to the end.

That’s why he’d invited Nagisa to hangout today, although he hadn’t shown up yet.

Just as he's about to text him to see why, a tap on his shoulder breaks his focus. "Hi, Karma."

**Nagisa's** **POV**

* * *

Nagisa is happy. 

A small smile crept across his lips. Usually, his mom would never let him go out the evening before an important event. Even if said event is his birthday, which is supposed to be for him. His mom has always been controlling over the whole ordeal, planning out a whole day for _her_ \- most of the activities things she’d have wanted to do at his age. Under normal circumstances, he would’ve had to decline Karma’s offer in fear of her going into a dark phase because he’s, _“leaving behind his own blood and flesh to go spend time with his bad influence friends.”_ or something.

As of late, however, she'd been having her rage fits less often. Nagisa felt confident, this time. As long as he didn’t stay out too late he’d be okay.

The date was July 19th. Around this time of year, there were almost always festivals happening in Tokyo. Karma had asked him if he wanted to go a week ago, saying that they needed to celebrate his birthday. He was just happy to be spending the evening of his birthday with someone he actually _wants_ to be around, honestly. 

"Let's go, Nagisa. I have to scam the scammers at those game booths before someone else gets all the high value prizes."

 _On second thought, never mind!_ “You never fail to surprise me.”

As they made their way through the numerous food stalls, Nagisa trekked behind Karma, staring at his back. There had been something... different... about him as of late. The way he carried himself, it was almost as if he was somewhat unsure. Karma didn't seem to be angry when he was around him, but there was something else. There was a certain intensity coming from him. Nagisa got a talent for picking up on other people's feelings through their body language, tone, way of speaking, their expressions, etc. He can thank a lifetime of tiptoeing around his mom for that one. He tried not to be worried by Karma's recent change. Logically, he knew that Karma wasn't going to put distance between them again. He knew this - and yet that creeping fear that he was going to be left behind kept gnawing at the corners of his mind. It's not like he could blame himself. His own _dad_ had left him behind.

 _It's only a matter of time_.

"Hold onto this for me, Nagisa."

Without warning, a giant teddy bear was shoved into his arms. It was only one or two feet shorter than Nagisa was in height, and there was a red bow-tie wrapped around its neck. "Woah. To be honest, I didn't think you were the type to go after the stuffed animal, Karma."

"I'm broke so just... consider it your birthday present or something." Karma was _blushing._ That's something you don't see every day. 

If it's a gift from Karma, then he's going to cherish it. 

"I-I appreciate it. Thank you, Karma."

The rest of the evening went by without a hitch. They saw all the stalls, and enjoyed the delicious festival food. Most of all, Nagisa was just happy to be there with his best friend. It wouldn’t have mattered what they’d decided to do or where they’d decided to go, it still would’ve been fun. When he’s with Karma, there’s never a dull second.

Still… Nagisa couldn't help but notice that as the night crept on, Karma was becoming increasingly tense.

"Hey, Nagisa?" Karma slowed his pace, walking side by side with him for the first time that night. His shoulders were stiff, and he was looking at the ground instead of straight ahead. It was abnormal behavior from him. So much so that he began to feel anxious.

“Why don’t we break away from the crowds? I have something I want to say.”

"Oh. Okay..." _Here it comes._

Karma made his way in-between the food stalls, and into the woods surrounding the park. He followed behind him, at a complete loss, his nerves on edge now.

Eventually, they stopped at a secluded spot. There was a clearing, not too far from the path they’d been walking. 

He had no idea what was going on, but whatever Karma wanted to tell him, he’d hear him out.

"Nagisa-" He paused. Nagisa stayed quiet so Karma could speak. 

_His heart raced._ Why was he so panicked?

Karma took a deep breath, and lifted his head to look directly at him.

"Nagisa, I... I have f-" Just as Karma was about to start talking, a buzz from Nagisa’s phone had interrupted them. Silence rang out between the two of them. 

It was his mother.

She wanted Nagisa to come home as soon as possible. Even if he knew that it would be absolutely awful to cut Karma off right now, he feared the outcome of defying his mother. Nagisa had no plans of crossing her tonight. It was lucky enough that he'd gotten to go out at all. He won't push his luck any further than this.

"Um, Karma, I’m so sorry but I really have to go… I’ll hear you out the next time we talk, okay?"

-

Nagisa hated to say so, but he was somewhat relieved as he made his way back onto the main streets. He had no idea what Karma was planning to say, and a part of him didn’t _want_ to know. Whatever it was, it’d made him completely tense up… a small part of him was afraid they were about to repeat the past. He knew that was a terrible thing to think… but he’s terrified of losing the people who get close to him.

He'd have to apologize again for running off, though.

His house was within walking distance of the festival, whereas Karma had to take a bus to get there. Thankfully, he could make it home with time to spare and safely avoid instigating his mothers rage, even if Nagisa's pace was slowed down by the giant teddy bear Karma had won him.

As he tried to type out an apology over text, his fingers fumbled over the keyboard. One of his hands was full of stuffed animal, and it was impairing his typing ability. He sighed. 

_Guess it'll have to wait until I get home._ He really did feel guilty about that though.

-

He'd made it most of the way to the apartment complex, but just as he was about to cross the street that leads to his house, he heard - _was somebody running?_

The footsteps came closer.

“Hold on, Nagisa!"

_Karma?_

Nagisa whipped around, and there, standing before him was none other than Karma himself. His breathing was only slightly erratic, despite running after Nagisa the whole way. Before Nagisa could ask what or, better yet, _why,_ Karma grabbed his shoulders. Nagisa had no choice but to stare directly at Karma - into his eyes, which were burning a rich gold. For the first time in his life, Nagisa realized Karma had qualities that could only be described as _godly._

"K-Karma!? Why'd you follow me? Your house is in the opposite direction!"

"Listen, I have to tell you this now or it’ll kill me. I'm not expecting an answer from you or anything, so don't freak out when I say this, okay?… I love you, Nagisa.”

"..." 

_What._

"I know you can't give me an answer right now. I’m sorry for springing this on you, but I just have one request.”

_What did he just say? Love?_

“Please go on a date with me!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoy this chapter!  
> I actually had a lot of fun writing it. Usually I'd stress out about if it's good enough or something.  
> I just love Karmagisa's energy. It's so... free. The have so much room to grow together. It makes them so much fun to write.


	3. Date Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TW** for this chapter!!  
> At the end of the chapter, there's a some paragraphs with Nagisa and his mom that may be triggering. I've put in a warning before it starts, so feel free to skip the last few paragraphs if it makes you uncomfortable!

Nagisa agreed without much thought to it. 

How exactly could he have said no? Karma’s eyes had been piercing through his very _soul._ His gaze was unforgettable. It was like there was some ancient and powerful creature resting within those eyes. They’d reminded Nagisa why he’d been drawn to Karma all those years ago. Why he’d been so happy when he and Karma first spoke.

He’d hurried home straight after agreeing, and they hadn't had any form of contact since then, apart from a text from Karma with the date and location. 

Every day that goes by, he grows more restless. His main coping strategy has been to keep busy so he doesn't end up thinking about Karma and- _god, he’s definitely blushing right now._ Whenever Nagisa remembers that night, his brain short circuits, and he’s rendered useless until his heart calms down. He attempted a pretend-it-never-happened strategy, but the more he tried not to think about Karma, the more he ended up fixating on him. 

He was seriously losing sleep over this. 

How does one approach this kind of situation? Of course he’d considered the possibility of all of this being some kind of prank, but his gut told him it was genuine. Karma wouldn’t do something that was so uncomfortable just for the sake of a good laugh. His pranks revolve around making _others_ suffer, while he sits back and enjoys the show. He’d never try to pull something that he himself had to suffer for as well.

Not to mention, it seemed like he’d been amping himself up the entire night just to tell him.

It had to be real. 

How is it that Karma felt that way towards _him_ of all people?

What’s likeable about himself anyways? He’s completely average. He’d never even been in any kind of romantic relationship before. Plus, it’s not like he’s super attractive or anything.

He has no idea what having a crush is supposed to be like, but he had to admit, when Karma had told him how he felt it had sent a shock through his spine and he’d felt truly happy. It's all so confusing, how do people figure out their own feelings? He's definitely in way over his head, but somehow thinking of Karma as just a friend doesn’t sit well with him anymore.

Does that mean he likes him? What is liking somebody supposed to feel like? If he does, does that mean they’d start going out? What are couples supposed to act like? Does Karma actually like him? Is this real?

After an agonizingly _long_ week spent contemplating his own feelings, the day of their date loomed over him. There was an active meteor shower that started that week, and Karma had suggested they climb up the mountain to their old classroom to watch it. 

Although he'd spent the entire week mentally preparing himself, he knew nothing would really be enough to face Karma again. He has no idea what to do or how he’ll carry himself when he sees him. He’s never been on a date before, he’d never even _imagined_ himself going on a date. 

The hours leading up to it were far too long, far too anxiety filled. He eventually decided he was going to try to act as casually as he could, wear casual clothes, and just pretend everything was normal.

As he approached their old middle school, he spotted Karma, who'd arrived there before him. He was wearing a black parka over a plain grey t-shirt, and black jeans. 

Seeing him now made his brain want to short circuit. At this point, Nagisa’s well aware that his face is bright red.

"Oh, Nagisa!" 

He flinched. Somehow, hearing Karma say his name without honorifics _after_ his confession had the impact of someone lighting a flame within him. It was a million times more intense now than it'd ever been before.

"H-Hi Karma." _Pull yourself together!_

**Karma's POV**

* * *

Karma had set up everything beforehand. 

He’d gotten to the school a half an hour early so he could pick out a spot for them. 

Once he’d gotten everything ready, he stood outside the school, waiting for Nagisa to show.

Knowing Nagisa, it wasn’t that surprising that he’d agreed to go on a date. He’d always gone along with what others suggest. Nagisa’s the kind of person who’s happier when those around him are happy.

When he noticed Nagisa approaching, he called out to him.

If the blush spreading across his cheeks was anything to go by, he’d say Nagisa was definitely embarrassed to see him. He’d dressed casually, same as Karma. He’s wearing a navy blue sweater with a white button up shirt underneath it. His hair’s in it’s usual pigtails. 

Now that he’s thinking of it, Nagisa had told him he plans to cut it when he starts college.

"H-Hi Karma." 

_What business does he even have being so cute?_

He’d already decided, for Nagisa’s sake, to keep things as casual as possible. After all, he wants him to actually enjoy himself tonight. If he allows the conversation to flow and acts like he always does, Nagisa should feel comfortable.

So they go off to the date spot together. The walk up the mountainside is surprisingly pleasant, and it seems as if Nagisa’s more excited to see the meteor shower than he is nervous. So far, Nagisa hadn’t shown any signs of being repulsed by him, so he’s going to assume that means things are headed in a good direction.

When they reach the spot Karma had found for them, he notices Nagisa staring in the direction of their old school building. His expression had morphed into a somber one.

“Nagisa? You’ve been staring over there for a while now.”

“Ah, sorry about that.” 

“Is everything alright?”

Nagisa sighed, and sat down on the blanket Karma had set for them, before looking back at the old school building,

“I miss him… Honestly the burden of being the one to kill him was, and still is, incredibly painful.”

Admittedly, he hadn’t expected Nagisa to answer him seriously. Even though they were better with communication now then they had been in middle school, they still tend to avoid talking about their feelings. 

“That night, I worried about you. None of us had the resolve to kill him, only you.”

“It wasn’t just me. That night we all suffered, we all grieved his loss. I’m sure you still miss him, even now. He saw us as individuals, and nurtured us.”

He hadn’t expected their conversation to take this turn. Bringing Koro-sensei is a sore spot for any of the former students of class E. He does miss him, more than words could express. No other teacher will ever truly _see_ him.

Their gazes met. Nagisa’s eyes were glowing, even in the dark. Karma’s knees were threatening to betray him. There was something about Nagisa’s eyes… something that made him feel like he was being seen through and through. They ripped past his defenses, past his indifference, straight to the little child within him.

“Karma?”

“H-Hm?”

“There’s one thing I’m curious about… During that paintball fight, it felt like you came at me with real animosity. I did too of course, but yours ran deeper than mine, honestly. How did those feelings morph into something romantic? I don’t really get it.”

A moment passed in silence. He’d known from the moment that he decided to confess his feelings, that they would have to have this conversation. He’s habitually avoidant when it comes to talking about emotions, but he understands how necessary it is.

“Honestly, I noticed your talent for assassination long before we were transferred to 3-E. I don’t know how aware of it you are, but you have almost zero presence at times. At first, I thought that's all it was - but there were times when you caught me completely, terrifyingly off guard. I wasn’t just afraid of the bloodlust that emanated from you. I was terrified because I was able to be completely vulnerable around you, even knowing you could have killed me in my sleep. I felt completely helpless - around someone who was barely over 5 feet and couldn’t even fight.” 

_He sighed._

“When that teacher betrayed me, it reminded me that the even people you trust can still hurt you at any time. So I decided to put distance between us, before my own vulnerability ended up doing me in. But it was no good. Even when I came back from my suspension and joined class 3-E, I still cared deeply for you and found myself completely dropping my guard around you. When we had that match, it was like those feelings manifested all at once. I wanted to be cured from this illness once and for all. I wanted to crush that talent which made me realize just how vulnerable I was. It's true that at the very end, I could have stabbed you. But when you actually managed to pin me down, I had this feeling like we were communicating - more than words could ever have gotten across. My view of our friendship had been _so_ one sided.”

He plopped down on the blanket, then continued. 

“Nagisa, who’d always tiptoed around others and avoided conflict, was screaming that I would hear him out. The guy who said he’d only want to fight if it was a life or death situation, was using all his strength to pin me down. That whole time, I’d been worrying about how scared I was, when you were giving it your all to stand side by side with me. How was I supposed to stab you, knowing that? I’d lost to you, from the very beginning.”

His heart was racing, and he felt completely drained. He took a shaky breath.This whole being open about your feelings thing was _exhausting._

When Nagisa didn’t say anything for a moment, he looked over. Nagisa was staring directly at the ground instead of Karma. “I- I had no idea there had been so much going on back then. I’m really glad you told me this... If I’m being honest, all this time I thought the reason you’d distanced yourself from me back then was because you got bored of me. When we fought, I was so excited because I was finally getting to share the stage with you.”

_Bored? Him? Of Nagisa?_

“I don’t think there’s ever been a time when I felt bored around you. It’s actually kind of the opposite…” 

As they talked, Karma’s racing heart began to slow. It became easier to say what he meant… and it felt _good._

“You were in such a rush the other night that I didn’t get a chance to say this, but your friendship is what matters most to me, Nagisa. I know it was selfish of me to suddenly spring a confession on you like that. If you’re too uncomfortable with this, and you want to pretend like it never happened, I’ll accept that.”

“To be honest, I’m not sure I could go back to the way things were. Actually, I don’t really think I want to. I’ll need more time to understand how I feel, but you’re precious to me, and because of that I want to meet your feelings earnestly. Oh- also, I’m sorry for cutting you off the other night when you were trying so hard to get your feelings across. My mom can be really over bearing, so I had to get home.”

_Now that I’m thinking about it, I really don’t know anything about Nagisa’s mom._

Nagisa had only briefly mentioned her a few times, and Karma hadn’t ever pryed further than that. There had been something about her trying to bribe Nagisa’s way back into the main campus a while back, but he hadn’t been involved. When it comes to talking about feelings… Karma never really knows what to do.

“She must be pretty strict. Come to think of it, when you’ve mentioned her in the past it was always because you were trying to avoid getting on her bad side.”

When Nagisa didn’t reply, he noticed him shivering. It wasn't all that cold out... Then, was it because of what they were talking about?

“What happens when you don’t do as she tells you?”

“She’ll just chew me out. It’s nothing, really.” Nagisa stood up. He was smiling, but it was an empty smile that didn’t reach his eyes. His shivering hadn’t stopped, in fact, it might have gotten worse.

“Nagisa…”

A sinking feeling began to set into his stomach, and something clicked in the recesses of his mind, but he tried to ignore it. He can’t jump to conclusions so fast. 

“It’s already late, so I’m going to go now, Karma.”

_That reaction._

He’s willing to leave if it means he can avoid continuing this conversation.

“Thanks for bringing me here. That meteor shower was gorgeous.”

He shouldn’t have let Nagisa go. He should’ve found out more.

Even so, he knows if he had tried, it wouldn’t have ended well. From what he’s already seen, Nagisa didn’t want to share this aspect of his life with anyone.

He checked his phone. It was already almost 11:42 pm. They had met up late at night so the meteor shower would be visible, and they’d lost track of time. Would Nagisa be okay? Just the other day, he’d been so worried about getting home before his mom got mad. 

The pit in Karma’s stomach grew deeper. It was probably nothing, he had to be overthinking things. Nagisa would get home, and go to sleep, and everything would be okay. He’ll call him in the morning, and when he picks up the phone half asleep, Karma will tease him.

Everything would be fine, but he _really_ shouldn’t have let Nagisa go.

 **TW! Verbal abuse.** Please skip the rest of the chapter if you’re someone who may be triggered!

* * *

Karma stood outside of Nagisa’s apartment door.

The pit in his stomach had refused to go away, so he’d ended up deciding to make sure everything was okay before heading home for the night.

Everything was _not_ okay.

Inside the apartment, Nagisa’s mom was yelling- no, yelling doesn’t describe the shrill, nonsensical _shrieking_ coming from within. It was enough to completely immobilize him. She’d gone on a few different tangents already, each more nonsensical than the rest. In the time he’d been standing here, he hadn’t heard Nagisa’s voice, even once. He was inside that apartment, just silently taking everything.

Meanwhile, Karma was outside clutching the door handle; unable to move, unable to think.

He had no idea what to do. He’d tried the door of course, but it was locked. He’d considered calling the police, but in situations like this, they’re little to no help. He’d called Nagisa’s phone, but it was no good. Stuff like kicking down doors only happens in movies. What could he possibly do?

All of his strength, all of his knowledge was useless. He’s completely unequipped to help. He’d known Nagisa's mom had a temper, but he never realized _this_ is what Nagisa lives with. Just hearing it as an outsider was indescribably painful. 

This wasn’t being chewed out for getting home late. 

This was abuse, and Karma was powerless. He couldn’t save Nagisa. He couldn’t do _anything._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff... and angst. That's how it goes.  
> I feel like this fanfic has been pretty self indulgent, first festivals then meteor showers. I think that's okay though! I wanted to write the kind of fanfic I'd want to read, you know?  
> I'm actually really new at writing fanfiction, so please be patient with me!


	4. The Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The perspective switches to 3rd person about halfway in. This chapter just wouldn't have been the same if I was only able to cover one of their perspectives at a time. I'm really happy with the result :)

Nagisa stepped out of his apartment, locking the door behind him. His mom had left for work a half an hour prior, at which point he’d promptly prepared to leave. He never stays at home during the day, even on weekends. Anywhere else is preferable.

He'd messed up. Badly. Gotten too comfortable. Just because she'd been docile lately, allowing Nagisa to have some freedom, he'd gone and done something stupid. 

What's worse, is that he’s pretty sure she wasn't the only person he'd pissed off. 

He'd spent the entire night staring at a wall in his room, his ears ringing as his mind desperately tried to escape the chains that bound him to this prison, his "home."

When he'd stopped dissociating, had 5 missed calls and 14 text messages from Karma left unread. He didn't read them. He was sure he'd regret it if he did.

When Karma brought up his mom last night, Nagisa realized his mistake. It was nearly midnight, and he hadn’t even contacted her. It was already unavoidable, he knew she was going to have one of her episodes.

The memory of the last time she'd gone into a rage fit left him shivering, which Karma had noticed. He'd left the situation as quickly as he could. If Karma of all people found him out, he'd probably never be able to face him again. 

Nagisa slowly descended the staircase leading to the ground, and with a yawn made his way to the vending machines around the side of the building. 

_Still, I really should have slept. Why is it that I always end up spacing out when she gets mad?_

When he arrived in front of the vending machines, anticipating the coffee he was about to get his hands on, he stopped.

He decided his eyes were playing tricks on him. Yep. That was the only sound explanation here.

"Karma...?" Nagisa leaned down, staring dead at the person who was passed out slumping against the drink machine.

_What is this? Why is he here? Why the apartments where I just happen to live?_

He reached over to shake him, but just as he did Karma's eyes slowly opened. He blinked twice, then met Nagisa's gaze.

"Um... why-" he started, "what's uh. What's going on here."

Before he could question him further, Karma jumped onto his feet and engulfed Nagisa in his arms.

"Thank god." Karma breathed, "thank god you're okay."

"Why wouldn't I be okay? You're the one who was sleeping on a vending machine." He pointed out, hesitantly bringing his arms around Karma's back.

Karma's voice shook. "I feel like an idiot. I was actually terrified, and I had no idea what to do.”

"H-hold on Karma. Are you okay?" He'd always been good at picking up on others feelings, and right now, Karma’s were all over the place. It was so different from his usual demeanor that Nagisa felt that something seriously awful had to have happened.

"I went to check on you last night."

Nagisa went stiff in his arms. 

"Oh, sorry." Karma released him, having felt him stiffen, and quickly took a step back.

"I'm really sorry," he paused. "I heard everything."

_He knows.  
_

"I had to make sure things didn’t take a turn for worse. So I listened the whole time."

_The one thing I didn't want him of all people to know._

Nagisa dropped to his knees, the strength in his body leaving all at once. This was so sudden. One moment his secret is perfectly intact, and the next, he’s found out. It was enough to send waves of panic crashing into him.

“H-hey! Are you alright?” Karma exclaimed when he suddenly fell.

 _… Am I?_

He’d thought all this time, that if someone were to find out, he wouldn’t be able to cope with it. If a person’s opinion of him changed because of this, he’d never be able to face that person again. That’s what he’d told himself. 

"Nagisa…" Karma kneeled in front of him, placing a hand on his shoulder. “You probably feel like I invaded your privacy. If I was you, I’d be pissed.”

_Please don’t look at me._

I'll never be able to face that person again. That’s what he had told himself. It was an excuse he’d made, to avoid any kind of situation where he was truly vulnerable in front of another person. The only problem is that Nagisa _knows_ Karma.

“Your opinion of me… it hasn’t changed, has it?”

“Not at all.”

He’d already known the answer, of course. If he truly believed Karma would judge him over something like this, they wouldn’t be where they are right now. 

When they’d first met, Karma never judged him for his long hair, his interest in cliche comic books, or his mediocre test scores. He’d listened, expressed interest and became involved with the things Nagisa liked. Someone amazing like him. 

Nagisa closed his eyes, and leaned forwards until his head was resting on Karma's shoulder. "I need a minute," he admitted.

"T-that's okay. I'm here." 

"Thank you." His voice didn’t come out as much more than a whisper.

Karma brought his arms around him once again. His embrace was warm, not overwhelmingly so, it was a gentle warmth that slowly seeped through him. As Nagisa rested his head on Karma’s shoulder, tears fell of their own accord. He felt ashamed of his own weakness, but even more than that… he felt safe. 

Karma's frame began to shake, 

"A-Are you crying too?" 

"How could I not, in this situation?" He took a shaky breath and wiped his eyes, "the thought of you alone in that apartment is too much to bear."

The two of them relished the moment they spent in each other's arms. They both knew they looked ridiculous to anyone passing by, they were a complete mess, but it didn't matter. 

* * *

They ended up dropping into a near-by convenience store to get breakfast, since neither of them had eaten. Afterwards, they walked to a park not too far from their location and found a bench to eat at. 

They sat there together, each person leaning on the other somewhat as silence washed over them. It's not that they didn't have anything to say, it's just that exhaustion was finally catching up to them both. Even when they finished eating, they just sat there, vegetating in the summer heat. Last night had been traumatizing for the both of them, so they were now just taking in the fact that the sun had risen even so. It hit them like an epiphany of some sort. No matter what happens, the sun will always rise.

"Hey... Nagisa, I've been thinking, I'm going to start making sure to be more responsible when we're together. To avoid another situation like last night.” 

What he really wanted to do was get Nagisa out of that house, far far away from his mom, but they were still in highschool. Well, technically there's no rules stopping them from moving out at this age - but that requires more money then a person can make part time, especially in Tokyo where rents are high.

"I'm sorry... you don't have to do anything for me you know? This is my burden."

Karma sighed. "Even if you say that, it's not about whether or not it's your burden. If our roles were reversed, you'd want to help me out, wouldn't you?"

Nagisa's eyes widened. He'd never thought of it that way, but it was true. If it was Karma, instead of him, he'd want to help no matter what. So why doesn't he extend that same kindness to himself?

He ended up choking back tears for the second time that morning.

"Thank you for being here. To be honest, I’m really relieved that it was you who found out in the end."

Karma smiled, although it was bittersweet.

"Always."

He was resolved to do anything he could to help lighten Nagisa's burden. He couldn't take Nagisa away from his mom yet, but he could check in with him more often, help Nagisa stay on her good side, and open up his own house to him - so at least, during the daytime he didn't have to be in that apartment.

While Karma was thinking about what he could possibly do, Nagisa's head fell onto his shoulder.

"Nagisa..?" Upon looking over, Karma discovered he'd fallen asleep. 

_Cute! Way too cute!_

He was exhausted too, but it was only going to get more hot out as the day progressed, and a park bench wasn’t going to cut it in terms of shade.

"Nagisa," he attempted waking him up with a soft flick to the forehead. "Hey, Nagisa." 

Nagisa shifted. "Hm...?" 

"Why don't we go get some rest?" _There’s no way I’m letting him leave my sight today._

Nagisa yawned, now sitting up straight. "Where?" 

“My house.”

He'd been to Karma's house many times before. His room was cluttered with various items he'd collected over the years. The room was overflowing to the point of it being hard to find a solid piece of floor. That's probably what Nagisa loves about it. It feels more welcoming than his own room does, to be honest. He has to keep his space clean constantly. Everything has a place, and the room itself is very plain. Karma's room has personality and life, and Nagisa loves it.

“That’s fine with me.”

"Good. By the way, you can come over whenever. The spare key is under the mat."

"A-Are you sure? I don't want to intrude..."

"I'm serious about this. It's not like there's anyone other than me living there anyways."

In all the years they'd been friends, Nagisa had never seen Karma's parents, even once. They rarely come home, and when they do it's never for long. It’s the complete opposite of the way his mom treats him, but it affected Karma's life just as much as Nagisa's mom affected his. He knows that Karma's the kind of person who isn’t easily shaken, after all he’s held himself together for all these years, but if you tear away all his bravado you’ll find someone who's incredibly lonely.

In that way, they really aren't so different.

"Okay. I'll make sure to come over and bother you all the time, so let's get going."

When they entered the house, Karma flicked the light on, revealing how large and empty the space was. Most of the rooms outside of Karma's own room had no sign of life. The bare furniture was perfectly placed, as if it hadn't been touched since being put there for the first time. 

Their feet padded as they made their way down the hall and into his room.

"I'll put on a movie we've already seen a million times, so you try to go to sleep." Karma told him as he began rummaging around, looking for the tv remote which was likely buried somewhere on the floor.

"What about you? You must be exhausted too. There’s bags under your eyes." Nagisa sat down on the edge of Karma's bed, feeling somewhat awkward. 

He watched as Karma, who'd found the remote, pushed a pile of clothes out of the way and sat on the floor, leaning against the frame of the bed. 

"I'll hold out just fine. I did sleep for a few hours, unlike a certain somebody."

A tug in his chest told him he wanted to be near Karma. He realized it wasn't the first time he’d felt something like this. This feeling of wanting to be closer to him... was probably something he'd felt many times before.

"I'd feel too guilty, or, how should I say this?" he fumbled "I'm worried about you too. So I wouldn't be able to sleep properly."

Nagisa grabbed a blanket and slid from the bed to the floor next to Karma. "Here, I want you to get some rest.”

"On one condition." Karma grabbed Nagisa's wrist as he attempted to put the blanket around his shoulders. "You try to sleep too. After all, I won't be able to sleep properly if I'm worried about you." Karma smirked, throwing Nagisa's own line back at him. 

Nagisa's face grew redder by the second. "Okay, okay. We'll both sleep."

Karma appeared to be content with his answer, and took the blanket from Nagisa's hands. He then set it over both of their shoulders. 

"Is this okay?"

"Yeah." A warmth spread through him when his wish for closeness was achieved. 

When he and Karma were together, it was so... free. The usual chains that bound him were broken. He was enabled to be whoever he wanted to be, and valued for who he already is. He still admires Karma as much as he did when they first met. He's always lived according to his own ideals. He does what he thinks is right, no matter what the consequences may be. Seeing that inspired him.

If Karma put him on the spot right now, asking him to give an answer... he probably...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What was Nagisa about to say? Will we ever know?  
> Why are they so cute?? My heart hurts. Karma and Nagisa both deserve all the love :')


	5. Date Time 2.0

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a few time skips in this chapter so I used dashes to mark where they are <3

"Cat cafe?"

"Y-yeah, I've really been wanting to go to one... It's not really up your alley, though."

Nagisa averted eye contact, messing with the hem of his sleeve. 

_He's blushing. How am I supposed to say no to that face?_

"I mean, yeah I wouldn't go there for myself, but I don't mind if it's something you'll enjoy."

"Are you sure? A date is supposed to be fun for both people involved."

"Yeah. By the way, I always have fun when I'm with you." Karma stood up from the table they were occupying.

"So it's a date."

-

_I know I agreed to it and everything... but I'm really doing this, huh?_

He couldn’t really complain. After all, this is a side of him he doesn’t see often. 

Nagisa was playing with a calico kitten perched in his lap. Ever since they entered the cafe, Nagisa had clearly ascended. Guess he's a cat person.

Thinking about it, he definitely has similar qualities to a cat. Nagisa’s trust isn’t earned easily, he's not necessarily the loyal type, but when someone's shown him kindness he is sure to return it. He does trust others, once he’s built a bond with them over time. He's shy in nature, even around me who he's known for years. When he's hurt, he'll attempt to conceal it no matter what. 

I wonder if, like a cat, once he loves someone... Does that person become his, for life?

"Karma? You're spacing out."

_What am I even thinking?_

"S-Sorry." He felt a paw on his leg, and looked down to see a white, blue eyed cat pawing at him. When he picked it up, the bell on it's collar rang.

"Looks like you made a friend." Nagisa chuckled.

This cat... looks like a certain someone. The blue eyes and the unassuming presence. 

Nagisa really is like a cat, isn't he? 

_I wonder what he'd look like with a collar._

Karma's face lit up. 

_What was that?? What was I thinking just now?? Ah, I'm done for.  
_

"Hey, Nagisa, I'm thinking I might be a cat person after all."

-

They were in an unfamiliar part of the city, so they'd decided to explore a little before heading back.

"I just remembered this, but wasn't yesterday...?" Nagisa paused in front of the convenience store they were passing by.

"Oh. The day weekly shonen jump was published, right?"

"Mhm! Think they have it in stock?"

They wasted no time making their way to the magazine section of the store.

"Here it is!" Nagisa grabbed one from the shelf, and Karma came up behind him, reading it from over his shoulder.

Neither of them had any intention of actually buying it.

-

The sun bore down on them, causing them both to break out into a sweat as they explored the city. The heat itself wasn't too bad, but the humidity was what did them in.

"I bet summers will be a lot less annoying once I cut my hair short." Nagisa said, as he fanned himself off.

"Oh, that's right. There's only a year until you're cutting it. It'll be kind of weird to see you without your pigtails though."

Karma absentmindedly reached out to touch Nagisa's pigtails, but just as he was about to, Nagisa flinched away.

He'd done it instinctively, even though it was just Karma. He brought his hands up to his pigtails, guarding them from being touched.

"Nagisa?"

For just a moment, he'd been back in that apartment. A split second was enough to make his emotions heighten.

"Are you alright? What just happened?"

He couldn't reply. He couldn't speak at all. The idea of talking sent bile rising to his throat, panic crashing through him. If he spoke, it would feel like scratching his nails on a chalkboard.

In the midst of his racing thoughts, Karma took his hand and held it. The sudden touch brought him back to the present.

"Let's go away from the crowd, okay?" 

_That's right. I'm not in that apartment, not with my mom._

-

"You were probably pretty surprised… I get triggered somewhat easily when it comes to these pigtails."

They leaned against the base of a near-by tree, an awkwardness keeping them slightly separated.

"Does this have to do with your mom..?"

Nagisa sighed, "When she gets really mad, she grabs me by them and flings me all about the place."

Karma's mouth ran dry. He really didn't want to think about the person he loved being treated like an object, but this was the sick reality of the situation.

"I'm sorry, Nagisa. I was absentmindedly going to touch them, I had no intention of hurting you."

"It's okay. It really is, I mean it's not like you had any idea."

He felt like a piece of shit. He _didn’t_ have any idea about how deep his trauma ran, he hadn't asked. He does want to learn, he wants to know Nagisa inside and out, to see every side of him. It’s the part of him that wishes that which he fears. He fears the intimacy, on some level.

"So that's why you want to cut your hair short?" He finally looked up. Nagisa was definitely uncomfortable with the conversation topic, if his fidgeting was anything to go by. He met Karma's gaze for a moment, then looked back down.

"That's part of it. My mom always wanted a baby girl. When she had me, I'm sure she must have been disappointed. Her parents made her keep her hair short, so in turn, she made me grow mine out. She always tried to put me in dresses so she could daydream that she'd had the perfect daughter. It's not that I'm all too attached to the male gender, it's just that when she made me grow out my hair, or put on things that I didn't want to, it felt awful. It's _my_ body. To be honest, I don't care about being a boy or a girl. I definitely don't believe in thinking one gender is superior. But I want to be free to express myself in a way that feels genuine. Does that make sense?"

He’s sure of it now, Nagisa really is amazing. He'd never considered his own relationship with his gender, but Nagisa had clearly thought about it, probably agonized over it, and he came out with an answer in the end.

"I need to apologize to you for every joke I made in middle school. I had no idea back then, those were awful things to say. I was being an asshole."

"It's okay, Karma. I won’t deny that you did go too far back then, but I’m not going to hold a grudge for something you did in middle school. We both had and still have lots of growing up to do."

Nagisa looked upwards, up to the cloudless sky beyond the branches of the tree they were leaning against. 

He felt as if he was turning a page in a book about himself. He had never talked about these things with anyone, and now, he finally felt like he could vent a little.

_Just by being with Karma, I've grown a lot recently._

-

Nagisa plopped onto bed, back home. 

When it had become time for them to head back, Karma became restless. He couldn’t imagine being in his shoes, knowing someone you care about is unsafe at home, and having to return that person home time after time. He'd thought that if someone knew about the state of the relationship between him and his mom, his life would only become more complicated. 

He hadn’t been wrong, but it didn’t pan out in a negative way as Nagisa had imagined it would. There’s no denying that things are different now. Karma calls him once a day, and worries about him. At first, Nagisa didn't know how he was supposed to feel when Karma worried about his well-being. But as time went by, he realized he felt more content now than he ever had. 

Not content about Karma being worried, of course. He’s thankful that Karma _actually_ cares enough to worry. There's someone in his life who will care if he falls apart. That alone had become a light in the dark to him.

 _I still haven't given him an answer._

He rolled onto his belly, and found himself staring at the giant teddy bear Karma had won him weeks ago. Karma had put his all into conveying his feelings. It wouldn’t be right to give him a half hearted answer in return. Nagisa knew next to nothing about relationships. He’s clueless when it comes to romance. He doesn’t know what it’s supposed to feel like, or what it looks like when someone is in love. 

_When I'm around Karma, it feels like a breath of fresh air. My heart becomes lighter, and momentarily, I forget about all the chains that bind me. I want to be close with him, when we're together, a part of me wants to be touching him. I'm afraid. Of losing him. When you love someone, that means you've opened your heart up to them. I know that if I give in and accept all of these feelings, I won't be able to run away or make excuses anymore. And I want that. I want commitment. I want to be with him, exclusively. That's probably the most terrifying part._

_What happens if he walks out one day, just like my father did?_

Is that fear a valid excuse to avoid acting on these feelings? 

Not trying at all for fear that he might fail… that’s what the old Nagisa would have done.

He smiled, and picked up the teddy bear he’d been staring at. 

_I’ll have to tell him soon._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt that for them to move forward in a healthy, respectful manor, it was necessary for Karma to apologize for the jokes he made pertaining to Nagisa's gender.  
> I'm really enjoying writing the progression of their relationship! It's so interesting to work with their dynamics! Both of them separately wishing for a future together, but unsure because they've never had healthy relationships... but deciding to go for it anyways? It's love :')


	6. Fever-Ridden Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is by far the fluffiest chapter I've written thus far. I love it.

He put the spare key in the lock and turned the handle, letting the door swing open as he stepped inside. 

"Sorry to intrude..."

Darkness shrouded the hallway, save for a faint light coming from under Karma's bedroom door. The sound of the tv playing from within his room was the only thing keeping the house from dead silence.

The door shut itself behind him.

Nagisa hadn't heard from Karma since the day before yesterday. It probably wasn't a cause for concern... probably. 

Throughout the past few weeks, Karma had been calling him on the days they didn't see each other. It was his way of feeling secure about leaving Nagisa with his mom.

The last time he'd gotten a call from Karma had been two days prior. Since then, he'd heard nothing from him. Nagisa tried giving him a call today before he headed over, and there hadn't been an answer. 

_So here I am._

He shuffled down the dark hallway, coming to a halt in front of Karma's bedroom door.

_He said himself that I could come here whenever, but this still feels somewhat like breaking and entering._

He took a deep breath, and knocked. 

"Karma?" 

A sudden slam came from inside the room, followed by shuffling and more slamming, and then the door creaked open. 

"Nagi...? You're here." Karma emerged from inside the room, leaning one arm against the door frame for support. 

"I came becaus- wait. You're sick aren't you?"

He wore loose sweats and a baggy t-shirt. His face was paler than usual, his cheeks were flushed, and his bangs stuck to his forehead just slightly. 

"It's just a cold. I'll be fine in a day or two, so you should really go home... or were you worried about me?" Karma smirked, attempting to distract Nagisa from his current state of health. 

It didn't work. Karma's voice was slightly hoarse from misuse, and his words seemed forced.

"Yeah, I'm worried about you," Nagisa placed one hand on Karma's forehead and the other on his own for comparison.

"You're burning up! You shouldn't be out of bed..."

Karma blushed, adding to the overall flush of his cheeks.

"I-I'm fine..." He averted his eyes.

Nagisa pouted. 

"Please let me worry about you a little, Karma." He paused, "what would you do if our roles were reversed right now?"

"...You got me. I'd insist on taking care of you."

Nagisa smiled, "and there you have it."

Karma didn't argue any further, going back to bed just as Nagisa had suggested.

With him out of the doorway, Nagisa could see the many empty containers of cup noodles and various microwave meals littering his desk.

"Have you taken any medicine?"

"Don't have any here."

"What about water? Have you been drinking water?" 

"I didn't feel like getting up to get any..."

"Have you taken your temperature?"

"I did when I first got sick."

"When was that?"

"T-Three days ago." Karma coughed, and turned his back to him. 

_Three days. He hasn't been taking care of himself at all._

"Where's your thermometer?" 

_If he doesn't get some medicine soon, his condition could take a turn for the worse._

"On the kitchen counter..."

Nagisa went to the kitchen to grab the thermometer. While he was there, he took a look inside the fridge. It was mostly empty, save for some essentials.

Before going back to the bedroom he filled up a glass of water.

When he returned, he set it on Karma's bedside table along with the thermometer.

"You take your temperature, and drink some water while I'm gone, okay? I need to go get you some medicine." He turned to make way for the door.

"W-Wait, you don’t need to do that, I’ll be okay."

Nagisa paused, “you would do the same for me.”

“… Okay. I’ll pay you back though.” Karma faltered, “thank you for worrying about me.”

He smiled, releasing the door knob from his grip and returning to Karma's bedside. 

"Mhm." He gently pulled the sweaty hair off of Karma's forehead, "Let me take care of you until you're all better."

Nagisa didn't think he'd ever seen Karma look so embarrassed. It was really, really adorable. It made him want to coddle him with affection.

"Okay, I'm going to go now. I'll be back soon, but call me if you need anything okay?"

"Alright."

-

When Nagisa returned from the store, the tv had been turned off, and Karma was fast asleep in bed. The glass of water was completely empty. He checked the thermometer. 

_103.6 degrees... It's high, but he's not in the danger zone. If he takes medicine and stays hydrated he should be okay._

He set the groceries down on the kitchen counter. He'd gotten medicine, a cold compress, and various ingredients so he could make Karma some real food.

Nagisa's mom had always been adamant about doing things right when he caught fevers growing up. Her reason being that for every day he misses school his grades plunge further, beyond saving. 

Thanks to that, he knows exactly what to do whenever he's sick, even though his mom had stopped staying home with him on sick days many years ago. 

Karma, on the other hand, probably wasn't taken care of when sick, and had to learn from experience. Judging by the state he was in when Nagisa first came here, he simply waits things out until he gets better. 

That was _really_ dangerous.

The thought of Karma, all alone, barely taking care of himself in such an empty house was a miserable one. 

_It might not be much, but while he's sick I'm going to do what I can to support him._

-

When Nagisa finished cooking, he brought the meal along with medicine and a fresh glass of water to Karma's room. He set them down on the bedside table, and pulled up a chair next to Karma's bed. 

He was still sleeping peacefully. His features were completely relaxed, and a little bit of color had returned to his face. He really did try, but couldn't resist the urge to caress his cheek. 

_I don't get to see him like this often. He looks... just like a normal kid. You wouldn't guess that he used to get in fights all the time._

Karma shifted and stretched his limbs. Their gazes met. 

He swiftly removed his hand from his face, blushing.

"H-How are you feeling?" 

Karma sat up, still getting his bearings. 

"A little bit better... how long did I sleep for?"

"About an hour. Here, take this." He placed the pills and the glass of water in Karma's hands. 

"I figure it's better for you to eat something home-made when you're sick, I'm not all that great at cooking though so don't have high expectations."

Karma stared at him. "You cooked... for me?" 

"Of course," he smiled. "It's important you eat right so you can feel better soon." 

His hands shook slightly when Nagisa handed him the steaming bowl of porridge he'd made him. He sniffled occasionally as he ate it.

For Karma, who doesn’t have anyone other than Nagisa to be there for him, a home-made meal is enough to make him break down.

Nagisa didn't say anything. He didn't need to, and Karma would feel awkward if he did. He’s known him long enough to be aware that Karma hates crying in front of others. If he's willing to cry in front of him like this, Karma is choosing to trust him.

When he finished eating, he set down the bowl and wiped his eyes. 

"It was delicious.. thank you."

Nagisa gently rubbed circles on his back, confirming that he understood, and offering comfort.

"I'm so glad. I'll cook for you again tomorrow as well." 

Karma checked his phone.

"You should go home now, Nagisa. It's already evening."

"Are you sure? You're still sick…"

"I'll be okay. I already feel a little better, thanks to you," he smiled. "Text me when you get home, okay?"

**Karma's POV**

* * *

When he woke up, he wasn't really sure when he'd fallen asleep or how many hours it'd been, but his head felt clear and his symptoms had lessened considerably.

Nagisa was passed out on Karma's chest, his head resting on his arms, haphazardly leaning out of the chair he'd pulled up to the bed. 

It’d been two days. He'd come to take care of him yesterday as well, tidied up his room a little, cooked him breakfast and dinner all while making sure he took his medicine. 

Nagisa's cooking was delicious. It was warm, and filled with love. When he took a bite, he couldn’t help but remember a time from very early childhood when his parents still lived with him. 

He’d decided then and there to marry him.

Growing up, if he told his parents he was sick they'd ask a neighbor to take care of him. That neighbor would stop by once a day to make sure he was still alive, but left it at that. Eventually, he'd stopped telling them at all. He’d rather be left alone than have people pretend to care.

Nagisa was different. As soon as he realized he was sick, he’d gone full worried mom mode and had wasted no time in getting Karma’s fever under control.

He smiled, and tenderly began fixing Nagisa's pigtails which had come loose. 

_Please give me your answer soon, Nagisa. Before you give me any more hope_. 

Karma got up, and slowly transferred him from the chair into his arms. He didn’t so much as shift. He lowered him onto the bed and pulled the covers up and over his sleeping form.

"Rest well. You deserve it, Nagisa."

_I should take a bath. I haven’t had one in days. God, I probably look like shit.  
_

Just as he moved to grab fresh clothes, Nagisa tugged on his sleeve.

"...ve you..."

He mumbled something Karma couldn't make out. 

"W-What was that?" 

He whipped around. Nagisa had woken up, and was now staring him dead in the eye.

_It sounded like he said…_

"I love you." Nagisa repeated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sudden confession! It's super effective!  
> Man I really like. Love Karma. He's so much fun to write. I wasn't entirely sure the direction I was going to go with the development of their relationship at first, actually my original ideas all had much more angst, but it turned into this. I love to see them supporting each other and really communicating. It's so necessary.  
> Also, now that I'm closer to the end I can say this fanfic will probably be 9 chapters long.


	7. Repressed Emotions and an Unexpected Visit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took so long! I suddenly got really burnt out, and then ended up with writers block,, on the bright side, this is the longest chapter yet.

"I love you." Nagisa repeated, his face suddenly turning a dark shade of red. "I-I um - I m-mean, you know um, well... I-I meant what I said. D-Do you maybe want to go out with me?"

His knees buckled. It was sufficient to say, _Karma.exe has stopped working._ The sudden confession landed a severe blow on his ability to exist. "... Do you mean exclusively? Like me and you. A couple."

Nagisa stammered, somehow looking even more embarrassed than before as he fidgeted with the hem of his sleeve. "I-If you want to."

_Is he trying to kill me? Is this an assassination method?_ “I want to. I really want to. I l-love you too..”

Just those words alone were enough to make Nagisa’s heart beat falter. _He loves me._

Karma, on a similar note, couldn’t believe this was actually happening. He’d been crushing on Nagisa for years, and even though he’d confessed, he didn’t do it thinking his feelings were likely to be returned. It was too good to be true, and yet it was true. They’re _dating_ now. He’s actually dating Nagisa, his best friend. 

"Um, is it okay if I ask when you first realized your feelings for me? I’m kind of curious, since I didn’t notice at all…”

Karma face palmed. "The answer is really embarrassing.”

“Y-You don’t have to tell me if that’s the case-!”

“No, i-it’s fine. I realized it when you pinned me down back in middle school.”

Nagisa sputtered, trying not to laugh. "Really? Somehow that’s just like you...” 

"Hey! Says the person who didn’t realize on their own."

"True, true." He smiled, looking somewhat relieved.

"What about you? How did you realize your feelings?" 

Nagisa thought about it for a moment. "I guess it was a slow realization that came on over time. In the past, I’d never really thought about myself in relation to love, and I’d summed up my feelings towards you as admiration. Your confession made me take another look at those feelings, and I realized there’s far more to them than I thought. I wanted something that goes beyond your typical platonic relationship. I didn’t realize it, and so those thoughts twisted around in my gut, and l maintained a certain level of distance between us.” _It wasn’t hard to keep a distance either, after all, Karma ended up being suspended and I dropped to E class._

“I wanted intimacy on a subconscious level, but I didn’t realize it, and so I thought being around you made me anxious - which in turn led me to become avoidant. Emotional intimacy and physical intimacy… There was never a question of whether or not I could obtain those things, because I believed right from the start that it was impossible. That of course didn’t stop me from wanting them from you. That's why when we fought, it felt like if I didn’t scream until you heard me, those feelings would never get across. I wouldn't resort to fighting again though, because we can use our words to communicate these things now."

He glanced at Karma to gauge his reaction, inwardly cringing when there was no immediate reply. He was staring at the floor, bangs covering his eyes, cheeks flushed deep red.

“W-What? Sorry, I-I just realized I was kind of oversharing.”

“No, it’s just…” _He literally just summed it all up. Something I struggled endlessly to put words to._ “You have a way of articulating yourself that I’m a little jealous of.”

“How so?”

“I think you’re actually really self aware. I’ve always struggled to find the right words to describe my thoughts and feelings, especially in a way that gets the point across. What’s more, you realized all that in weeks. It took me years to fully understand my feelings towards you, even after I realized I had a crush on you.”

“That may be true, but I don’t think you need to compare yourself to me. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to discover your feelings.”

“Yeah, I’ll agree with you there.” Karma plopped down on his floor, sitting on crossed legs, an elbow leaning on one knee.

“Still, today has been really insane, hasn’t it? I can’t believe you confessed to me out of nowhere like that.” 

“I just gave you a taste of your own medicine.”

“Fair enough.” He stood up, restlessly running a hand through his tangled hair. ”God, this is real isn’t it? I’m dating Nagisa Shiota.”

“I still can’t believe you fell for me when I pinned you down.” He teased, his shock at his own confession having already exceeded his mental limits.

Karma’s face went red, once again. “Please let me live that one down - anyways - I need a shower, but first, what are you thinking you want to do from here?”

“Well, I have time before I have to head home, and I have to make sure you don’t try to overexert yourself right after your fever went down. So I’ll be here for a while.”

Karma hummed in agreement, smiling as he grabbed fresh clothes from his dresser. “By the way, thanks for taking care of me, Nagisa. I probably would still be sick if you hadn’t come.”

“Don’t worry about it. Please tell me sooner next time you have a fever, though. Not taking care of yourself properly in that condition could’ve been really dangerous.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry for making you worry.” He walked to the door and pressed it open, taking a step out into the hallway. “From now on, I’ll rely on you more. So you do the same, okay?”   
Nagisa nodded, and flopped back onto the pillows. As he laid there, staring at the ceiling, he relayed their conversation in his head over and over again.

_I thought that when the time came to tell him my feelings I’d be a nervous mess, but when I woke up and heard him talking to me, all of a sudden I wasn’t nervous anymore. It was a moment of clarity, like staring up into a clear blue sky._

Karma’s phone suddenly began ringing from somewhere within the room, just as the man himself emerged from the shower in fresh clothes, with wet hair dripping onto the towel around his neck. 

“Good timing. Your phone started ringing just now.”

Karma grimaced, grabbing the phone from the nightstand. “It’s my parents.”

_Why would they be calling him out of the blue?_

“Yes... I’m doing fine… Yeah... Why did you call?” 

_The way he speaks when he’s talking to them is completely different than his usual speech patterns. There’s no sense of familiarity, it’s just tense._

“Tomorrow? Oh… yes, that’s fine, just sudden… No, I’m fine… Okay... I’ll see you then… Bye.” Karma clutched the phone tightly in his fist. “It seems my parents are finally coming back from the world’s longest trip, and they’ll be spending the day here tomorrow before taking off once again.”

“Wow.” _He’s definitely shaken up, understandably so. I’ll see if he wants to talk about it._ “That news was really sudden. Are you okay?” 

Karma sighed as he sat himself down on the bed next to Nagisa. “Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t look forward to it when they return from their trips. Seeing them just brings up a lot of old baggage.” 

“That makes sense. What do you guys do, when you’re all together?” He pulled his legs up against his chest, putting his full attention on listening to what Karma has to say.

“They bring back souvenirs, desperately fail at making small talk, and then go get drunk and reminiscence about all the great experiences they had in whatever country they decided to go to that week.” 

“That’s gotta be really awkward to sit through...”

“Exactly!” He threw his hands up in frustration. “It’s like when people are laughing about some inside joke right in front of your face. It’s ostracizing, and they know it is, but they aren’t going to stop because it’s not inconvenient for them like it is for you. What’s worse is that I barely have any time to mentally prepare myself. It takes a lot of energy out of me each time I see them. I’m already so tense about it… I probably won’t be able to get any sleep tonight.”

“If it helps we can have a long phone call, until you get sleepy. I really wish I could do more for you, though.” _I still have to watch out for my mom, so I can’t be here with him… Even though I wouldn’t mind staying._

Karma put on a weak smile. “Thanks. I’d actually really like that.”

“You’re welcome. I really don’t mind it at all - I always enjoy talking to you.” He shifted onto his knees, and delicately wrapped his arms around Karma. “I-Is this okay?”

Karma nodded against his shoulder, and sunk into the embrace, releasing a breath of contentment. Nagisa gently traced patterns on one of Karma’s shoulders, something he’d done for himself as a kid for comfort during his parents' frequent fights. “I’ll stay here for as long as I can, and then tonight we’ll talk on the phone. You can reach out to me at any time tomorrow for moral support. They’ll be gone before you know it.”

-

Nagisa absentmindedly flipped open his phone as he towel dried his hair, checking for any messages from Karma - who’d been with his parents the entire day, and in the end hadn’t texted or called. _I just hope that means that things are going well, and that he’s busy catching up with them._ He thought, slipping on his pj’s and collapsing onto his bed.

He had his apprehensions about the likelihood of that, which is why he’d spent most of the day worrying. Just as they’d talked about, they’d spent an hour or two talking on the phone last night, and in the end Karma was able to get some sleep. He’d really been hoping that’d help him get through the day, but he still couldn’t rest easy. He was worried, wondering how things were going, if Karma was doing alright. 

He checked his phone once again, glaring into the blank screen.

_No new messages._

He’s not upset that Karma failed to update him or anything arbitrary such as that. When you’re in a bad place, reaching out to someone just doesn’t cross your mind sometimes, or it does, but you convince yourself you shouldn’t. He understood that all too well, which is the very reason he’s worried. If Karma’s feeling depressed, all he can do is offer his support, and wait until he’s ready to take it. 

Having decided that, he typed out a message.

_Hey, how did everything go? I’ve been worried about you, even though I know you’ve been through this many times. Please don’t forget I’ll always listen if you want to talk._

He absentmindedly messed with a strand of hair, hit send, and flipped the phone shut releasing a small sigh. Karma probably won’t answer him tonight, seeing as it’s already past midnight. He let go of his phone somewhere within the recesses of the bed, trusting it to ring if he’s contacted. 

_I guess this is a part of being in a relationship, or rather, another part of being emotionally available for another person. You worry about them, want them to keep in contact, want them to let you know when they’re not okay. This is a first for the both of us, I guess._

Of course, there still has to be a balance. He’d stayed up this long to be available just in case, and he’s exhausted. He wants to sleep, and he knows Karma wouldn’t feel any better if he knew his partner stayed up late worrying about him.

His eyelids were heavy now, so he no longer fought the wave of sleepiness that washed over him.

-

Nagisa startled awake at the sound of his phone ringing. The light shining through the curtains told him it was early morning, but he had no idea how long he’d been asleep.

He clumsily fumbled for his phone. 

“Karma?”

“S-Sorry, did I wake you up?” The voice on the other end came out weak and hoarse, as if he had been crying.

“Yeah, but I don’t mind.” He yawned as he sat up, glancing at his alarm clock. 7:30am. _Good. She’ll already have left._ “Are you okay? Your voice sounds a bit rough…”

Karma was silent on his end for a few moments before speaking up. “I’m… I won’t pretend I’m okay. I-I haven’t been able to calm down for a while now. I didn’t know what to do so…”

“Where are you right now?” 

Karma didn’t give him an answer, but that was the only information Nagisa needed. He slipped out of bed, taking a blanket with him. Karma remained silent on the other end of the line, as Nagisa opened the front door. 

“I’m sorry, I was already passing by and… I shouldn’t have come here, I’ll leave n-” 

“She’s already left for work.”

Karma stood, a few feet from his door. He was hunched over, his hair over his eyes as his shoulders quivered. “Still, I don’t want to cause you any trouble.”

Of course, coming over unannounced early in the morning could have been a disaster if his mom hadn’t left yet, but right now he wasn’t going to tell Karma that. He’d chosen to come here, instead of wherever else he was heading. That alone was enough.

He took the blanket off his shoulders and swung it over Karma’s head, watching as it settled over his face like a hood. “You don’t like it when people see you cry, right?”

Karma stared at him, eyes wide and filled with tears.

“Your feelings aren’t, and never will be something I consider troublesome. I’m really relieved you thought to come here, to be honest.”

Karma wiped at his eyes, trying to remain somewhat put together, at least while they were in public. “Can I come inside?”

“Of course.” Nagisa took his arm, leading him inside the apartment. This was the first time Karma had seen his house, and naturally, he felt self conscious. The house itself was decorated flawlessly, as if they’d hired an interior designer or something. His mom had chosen everything from magazine catalogues, erratically wasting their savings. Her house had to mirror her in “perfection”. There were no personal items on display, no photographs, nothing sentimental of any kind. His bedroom isn’t much different. Most of his personal items were shoved away into drawers and shelves. If she saw his things laying around she’d confiscate them, sometimes even dispose of them. Apparently if he’s willing to leave one of his things out of its place, he doesn’t actually need it. At the very least, he’s managed to convince his mom to let him keep out a few things - including the stuffed animal bear Karma had given him. 

_Although she probably is only letting me display it because she sees it as something feminine._

“Sorry my room isn’t very welcoming.” He said as he shut the door behind them and released Karma’s arm from his hold. “I’m not really allowed to do what I want with it beca- well, you know why I guess. I-I hope it’s not uncomfortable.” 

“I see what you mean... I’m fine though. It’s still your room, and it’s not uncomfortable.”

He looked around as Nagisa sat down on the unmade bed. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he realized Nagisa had been asleep there not even 10 minutes prior. 

“You were really shaken up a minute ago, though. Do you want to talk about yesterday?”

“There’s not much to say. Once again, I was treated like a stranger… and as always, it reminded me of how painfully aware I am of the lack of their presence in my life.”

“That must feel awful. Did you ever blame yourself?”

“You know, I did for most of my childhood. Now I understand that it wasn’t something I did, and that nothing I can say or do will make them want to be there for me - but there’s still some lingering self hatred.”

“I can relate to that.”

Karma paused, waiting for Nagisa to expand on what he was saying.

“You know how my dad left my mom and I? I didn’t realize it until recently, but I think I blamed myself for that, and assumed that anyone who was close to me would eventually leave as well.”

“When you said you didn’t realize it until recently, how recently do you mean?” 

“It was around when you confessed. It brought up a lot of thoughts of my dad, I ended up having to work through a lot of stuff regarding my childhood.”

“That can’t have been easy... I’m sorry.”

“I’m glad, honestly. If I hadn’t faced those memories, I might’ve let the fear of being left behind stop me from ever finding out what it’s like to be with you.”

“That’s a good way of putting it. Then, I’m glad you had that were able to as well.”

_I didn’t really think about the emotional affect my confession had. It ended up bringing a lot of emotions to the surface, for the both of us._

“Sorry the subject shifted to me, did you want to keep talking about yesterday?”

Yeah, usually it doesn’t upset me this much when I see my parents… but last night, I had a thought that I would usually keep suppressed and that was all it took for me to lose my composure.” His stomach churned as it had since last night, sickened by the raw and vulnerable wish, he hadn’t allowed himself to acknowledge until now. 

“A part of me wished they had wanted me, I wish-” His voice broke, “Sorry, this is hard to talk about.”

“No, it’s okay. You don’t have to force yourself if you’re not ready.”

 _It’s not that I don’t want to talk about it. It’s just…_ “I’m sorry.” _I’ve repressed my emotions for years._

“Karma…”

“I really wish that they loved me.” Saying the words out loud crushed his resolve. His vision blurred with long overdue tears, quiet sobs following after.

“Come here.” Nagisa said, opening his arms to him, “It’s okay. You are loved. You are so loved. You can cry as much as you want to.” He himself was on the verge of tears. His heart ached, overflowing with love for his childhood friend. He’s known this for some time… but Karma really is like an abandoned puppy. He stubbornly licks his own wounds, and he lashes out when people get too close, out of fear of being hurt again. The thing is, when you meet a dog like that all you can think of is how deserving of love they are.

Karma nearly toppled them over as he embraced him. 

Nagisa lovingly combed through his hair, his presence comforting in a way that made him want to cry harder instead of calming down. _This is okay, right? Being this vulnerable…_

He wasn’t sure how long he’d been held, but at some point they ended up laying together on the bed, his arms wrapped around the Nagisa’s waist and Nagisa’s arms cradling his head.

It occurred to him, that all these repressed emotions could be resurfacing now _because_ he was safe. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to be sure that this fanfic highlights both Nagisa and Karma's traumas, rather than the focus being on one or the other. That happens too often in shipping tbh.  
> Their relationship got me out here feeling extra single though ( ;_;)


End file.
